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I Like Being Alone. I Don’t Like Loneliness.

This past weekend I was planning to attend a local benefit concert for Veterans with my friend. I couldn’t wait to enjoy a few beers at the pub next door; freeze my ass off listening to 60s, 70s, and 80s music; and just experience a breath of excitement outside of the 10 hours/5 days a week work exhaustion that has become my life. An hour after the concert started, my friend texted me saying she would catch a ride with her parents, who were going with their acquaintances, and that they would dine out afterwards. Welllll … my mood was killed. I felt as if my insides were itching, and wished I could scratch them–this unpleasantness curling in my gut.

I experienced this sense of being unwanted, like I wasn’t ***

I  harbor no negative emotions towards my friend or what happened–I was just undergoing a “mood,” one in which I realized I didn’t appreciate being lonely when I wished to be around other people.

Being the English major that I am, I looked up the definitions of both “loneliness” and “alone,” despite having a general idea as to what they already meant.

Loneliness: sadness because one has no friends or company.

Alone: having no one else present; on one’s own.

The first definition implies that you don’t have a choice–you experience a depressed sensation because others have rejected, forgotten, or disappointed you in some way …. It sucks. Meanwhile, being alone is a state of being that you have chosen. I know, as there have been an abundance of times where I’ve turned down socializing with friends or declined family time simply because I want to be by myself.

I think everyone needs to understand what loneliness and alone denotes, especially how experiencing them is similar to going round in round in a circle: they both cause each other, and they both result from each other … in some instances 🙂

 

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Who Would You Die With?

A few months ago, I had a dream….It wasn’t the same as Martin Luther King Jr’s, despite this events of the past few years resembling his time, as unfortunate as they are in this day and age.

My dream … involved a stormy, stormy evening, out on the beach with a handful of homeless people drinking beers on the beach and laughing around. The waves thundered and rolled on the beach, akin to the ones in Pokemon: The First Movie 😉 and the sky resembled a black blanket. The drinking still continued (props to them). My friend at the time decided to go out on a boat on such stormy seas with a few friends, knowing they would die in such chaotic weather. I asked him, ‘why?’ and he simply answered with a response about the outing being fun and adventurous. Fast forward to an hour or so later, and he and his friends returned. He told me he didn’t want to die out there. He wanted to die with me.

 

….I woke up in the morning with that question inscribed in my thoughts. I’d never once pondered on such a thing (I tend not to mull on my own demise). But it was good, in a way. If you could die with anyone, who would they be?

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Chasing the Beauty: Realize Raw is Real, Eating Healthy is Pooping Healthy, and a Plant-Based Lifestyle is the One to Choose—Published!!!

The health novel I’ve been writing since this past September has finally been published! You can find it on Amazon as an ebook. The formatting and book cover aren’t what I idealized when I first began, and will eventually be changed; but, at the moment, I am perfectly okay just to be done–I’ve been so burned out the past few months.

Anyways, check out the blurb below to see if it stirs your interest:

FOOD=LIFE, HEALTH, AND BEAUTY

You’re probably thinking, Yeah, right—gag me with a cookie, as you shove Oreo #22 into your mouth and continue your endless browsing of the Internet on ways to eat healthy.

My book, Chasing the Beauty, teaches you two main principles.

#1) How to maintain a healthy, nutritious eating lifestyle. I will never use the term diet, which implies impermanence—as in, I’ve lost the 100lbs I wanted to, now I can eat whatever. Plus, it is associated with calorie counting, portion control, low-sugar foods, a reduction of carbs, and the pointless downloading of numerous ‘health’ apps, all of which provide you with conveniently wrong information. You won’t have to deal with any of that B.S.—diets, after all, don’t help you permanently lose weight or teach you what foods to eat and how much. My book will.

#2) Be happy with yourself. (Because, spoiler alert, maintaining a healthy eating lifestyle will make you happy).

You may not realize those ideals now, but, if you choose to implement my lifestyle suggestions, you’ll soon come to understand how consuming fruits are actually the closest thing to the Fountain of Youth, how incorporating leafy greens into your daily intake can help get rid of that piece of undigested ice cream cake you had at your 9th birthday party, how a simple act such as dry brushing every morning can eliminate up to 1/4th waste from your body, and how food does indeed equal Life, Health, and Beauty.

So you want to lose weight? You want to look decades younger? You want more energy? You want to embrace a nutritious lifestyle in which you’ll never have to count a calorie or reduce portion size ever again?

Then what are you waiting for? Put that cookie down. Let’s chase beauty.

You can find it at the link below:

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When Life is Being Lived on the Dollar

… Seriously. That’s how I’m surviving week to week. Paycheck to paycheck. A few groceries here, a glass of wine there. $15 left on Monday, with 1/3 of a gas tank and one day’s worth of food, until Thursday.

I’ve never been so poor yet wanting to do so much. Its a tragedy how younger people are trapped in this scenario: experience life … with what?

Buuuuut, one positive can be found: I am learning to differentiate needs from wants, to prioritize things on a to-do list, and to budget efficiently.

I’ll take that as my silver lining.

Sometimes when you’re burned out and over-stressed and sick from it all and busy busy busy, and people are imposing their own expectations and there’s still a 100 different things on your checklist, you just need to take a deep breath and binge-watch House of Cards.

… I so needed a break from reality: it’s done wonders for me.

Wonder #1: I am, once again, consistently working out.

Wonder #2: I have almost finished Chasing the Beauty … as in I will probably be done with it tomorrow!!!!

Wonder #3: … When I am done, that means I can return to writing my one love, Sculpting Beauty.

Take a break if you need to. Remember you are human.

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Where Have My Friends Gone?

Since middle school, I had this strange habit of writing down who my friends are. Ranking them in a list, and prizing both the quality and quantity. I would continue this ritual all throughout high school and all throughout college. I haven’t done it in several years but, upon seeing an old acquaintance this past weekend and hearing how she wouldn’t anchor the whole bridesmaids thing at her wedding, I took out my trusty pen, jotted some names down, and wondered if i could even get away with it too.

I remember the old WordPress was Live Journal, where you could post entries to an online site which followers could read. One time, near the end of 8th grade, before 9th started and my motley middle school group would forever be disbanded, my best friend and I ranked our friends on our websites and described why we thought our bonds would weather the storms of time and trial and last forever.

By the time 10th grade rolled around, we were merely classmates. And by graduation? No longer on speaking terms.

College was the same. I had a strong clique the first year, many of whom with the distance stretched and stretched. New ones were gained, then lost, then more were gained, then lost. Repeat. Repeat. Until now, when all my “friends” are nothing more than memories of a good time.

I thought, fur sure, despite still holding onto maybe one or two of my high school pals, my college ones would never abandon me, not after nights of binge drinking while discussing heartbreak at 3am, enduring the semesterly struggles of passing exams together, experiencing drama on the same level of those middle school ordeals.

I think I have two friends from college I can count as my closest friends (one of you I know will read this :D).

Now, as I sit here, looking down at my list, I recall that old Live Journal post my best friend from middle school and I had composed, and I think of all the names that should be on it but are simply “was.”

But I am grateful for the ones now on it, these people who have pushed past the every-day struggle of adulating and long distance friendships, to only see each other on that rare, once-in-a-blue-moon occasion, who play more than your basic catch up…because they know who you really are.

It’s the quality, not the quantity.

Whoever said this knew what they were talking about. My “quantity” is about two hands, and I’m more than okay with that, as they contain a wealth of the kind of friendship I’ve always had.